Yesterday was long. I cried so hard my eyes hurt by the end of the day and I had some strange dreams. I dreamt I was in a church choir (which is ludicrous to begin with as my singing abilities are laughable at best) and I criticized something or other that elicited a harsh reaction. I decided to leave and never return. Later in the dream my arm was bit by an alligator. I wonder what this says about the terms God and I have been on most of this Lenten season (not just yesterday). Pregnancy dreams are totally bizarre. I haven’t prayed for everything to be okay. I know that’s a given. I just keep praying for Peace.
I took a lot of hot baths because I just couldn’t get warm. I cried and cried some more. I stared at the 3D ultrasound picture to see if I could tell by looking at our daughters face. And Ina May took a back seat on my bedside table and I read and read and read about Downs Syndrome. I know this is premature. We by no means know what’s going on with Ms. Baby Bell at this point. We really won’t know for sure for another four months when we meet her. Everything could be totally normal.
We opted out of a blood test for DS early on in my pregnancy. I felt that worrying for 9 months would be a worthless pursuit. Besides, we weren’t in a high risk category. We did opt for the ultrasound because we wanted to know the sex of the baby. I never thought this would give us uncertainty and something to worry about. If our boat takes a detour I worry about what kind of parents we’ll be. I worry about how this would impact Owen as a big brother. I worry about things that we would have no way of planning for even if we knew for sure Little Girl had DS. An amnio is off the table for us personally as it poses a slight risk of miscarriage. So we wait.
This morning I read an article called Welcome to Holland by Emily Perl Kingsley, who wrote a book Roadmap to Holland. The essay is beautiful. In the back of my mind we are still on a plane to Italy. But if we get off the plane and are surprised to find ourselves in Holland, Holland will be beautiful too.